Sunday, March 05, 2006

The post in which I will undoubtably come across as bitter, when really it should be read as cynical and possibly resigned

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that I need to start nurturing an affinity for cats. Many, many cats. For, you see, it is becoming equally clear to me that I am destined for spinsterhood, and, as we all know, the spinsters, they like their cats.

I think I need to look into a proper spinster wardrobe as well. What are the crazy spinsters wearing these days? Sensible shoes? I have those. Cardigans? Well, I have some but I can easily knit some more. Glasses? Check. Anything else? I probably need to find a supplier of sensible slacks with pleats in the front. And slash pockets. I will also need to learn to tuck tissues into my sleeves for ready access and possibly I should find a chain for my glasses, even though I won't technically need it, since the glasses are not just for reading.

What else will I need in order to truly make the transition from single woman in her 30’s to crazy spinster lady? I already knit, so that’s one thing out of the way. I think that cat thing will be the most problematic. (and the pleat-front slacks, but I can probably work my way around that).

What brings on this spinsterhood preparation? The usual: I just found out that a guy I had dated briefly had been, well, less than 100% truthful with me (which, deep down, I knew) and not only that, but he's getting married soon. Whereas I spend most days/evenings at home alone with my knitting and my TV. It really is a shame that I can't stand cats.

My friend (who, bless her heart wanted to go find this guy and hit him)("bless her heart", see, I'm picking up the spinster slang already)(I would have loved to see her go after him. She's about 5'2" and he's probably 6'2")

Where was I? Oh, yeah. My friend and I were joking about the fact that almost any guy who has ever taken me out on a date has soon after either gotten back together with his ex or has met the woman that he ends up marrying. (Actually, several times they met the girl while we were seeing each other. Once, the guy met the girl while we were on a date.) We were saying that I should start a dating service: Take me out to a movie and/or dinner and you will find your soul-mate. It won't be me, but you will find your soul-mate.

So, now I'm at home, alone, knitting and watching hockey and trying to work my head around the fact that I need to start collecting cats soonish if I'm going to qualify as a crazy old spinster lady. Is there some sort of committee that I need to apply to in order to be certified as a crazy old spinster lady?

5 comments:

Theresa said...

Do you have a rocking chair? To get that spinster style I think mid-length skirts might help (although I really don't see you wearing them). You also need to tie you hair up in tight bun. You really should work on liking cats, a cat would REALLY cement the image for you.

lori said...

thereseeeeeee:

HAHAHAHA

I'm totally going to get a mid-calf length skirt.

tash said...

spinsters are wonderful people. usually they reguard men with distrust adding to their wonderfullness.
i think a bumpersticker of this phrase (1st sentence only) on that new rocker would be a great idea.
thumbs up crazy spinster

sarcastrix said...

I do not like cats. I do not knit. I have never (except in the course of sarcasm) used the phrase 'bless his heart'. I do not have a rocking chair. I do not wear mid-calf-length skirts, or any sort of skirts. I regard women, not men, with distrust.

But really, you can't change facts...

antonia said...

1. If not cats, then birds? Bird-feeders, bird-tables? You can give each little visiting bird a name (preferably with a 'Mister' prefix) and talk lovingly to it while it hops around with total indifference.

2. Boiled sweets.

3. Writing frequent, stiff letters of complaint to food/transport companies, local congress, etc.

I'm sure there are more. I'm slipping nicely into the dawn of doo-lally middle age myself. If I develop any particularly stupid foibles I'll share them with you.